Hitting Rock Bottom?

This past weekend I celebrated one of my girlfriend's soon wedding with a bachorette party in NYC.  I was a little nervous about attending since my energy levels have been questionable, me having trouble sleeping in my own bed, and of course being the ONLY sober person (which by the way is slightly amusing, you should try it!).  

btw all I wanted to do in that dress was flex in the mirror.

As predicted, we stayed up / out late both Friday and Saturday and the food's that we ate was far from Paleo.  Sunday morning we woke up and headed home and as soon as I got back, I took a three hour nap and screwed up my sleeping pattern.  


So in what I'm calling my mini crisis, I decided that I needed another option besides (ok not besides, but in addition to) Crossfit.  I convinced myself that because of my unpredictable tiredness and the set times for Crossfit classes, I needed something more flexible.  I also felt like going to Crossfit was such a "reduced" effort on my part, I needed something more.  


So today after work, on a recommendation of a friend, I went to a globo gym, 24/7.  They offer a Summer Membership for a low price and most of all, they have a pool.  


The second I stepped into the facility, I felt worse about myself.  I felt uncomfortable with all the people coming in right after work and scanning their membership card.  I felt sad for all the people on the cardo machines staring into space trying to get their burn on.  


When asked about my fitness history I told the woman that I've been Crossfitting for about a year and my only goal is to maintain my endurance / fitness level during my pregnancy.  She asked if I was interested in Personal Training sessions and I just laughed.  No thanks!  I have my own personal training at my home box.  


I had planned to work out after signing up, but not sure what came over me.  I had to leave and that made me feel even worse.  Obviously I'm having a really hard time dealing with my tiredness, energy level, and slowly letting go of the body that I worked so hard to get.  (Even though I wasn't quite were I wanted to be).  


I hate to keep whining and blogging about how upset I've been, but it's truly been a struggle.  I know that I just need to buck up, get my ass to the gym and stop eating shit.  I know the answer, but I'm literally hitting rock bottom mentally and I can't seem to get myself out of this.  I need to spend the time to manage my schedule and plan my meals so I don't "swing by" the closest fast food place.  


I keep saying next week, next week, but now I have no excuses.  I belong to TWO gyms, and I have control what I eat.  The only thing that I can't control sadly is how much sleep I get and how I'm going to feel each day.  


DEEP BREATH.


The rest of my week is pretty low key (weekend including) and I'm going to use it to plan out my workouts as best as possible and start putting more effort into my diet.  I know that once I get back into both eating right and working out, I will feel better physically and mentally, but it's just a matter of getting started.  


Again, I'm trying to keep this blog real and I'm keeping things honest.  You guys are there for me during my high points and you are especially there for my lows, and I really appreciate all the support you all have given me :)

Happy Regional Weekend!

Today started the Regional Weekend for those who qualified.  As I sit here blogging, I am eagerly awaiting to hear the results of the 2 WODs from day 1.  Today, tomorrow, and Sunday each team and each individual does 2 WODs and then the best 14 (I think) move on to The Games. 

I am so hopeful for 610's team and Trainer Mike as an individual make it to The Games so Dennis and I can take a mini vacation out to CA to watch!!

Since Trainer Evan is gone for the weekend, our box is closed for the weekend (which worked out nicely for me since I am going to be away) and last night a few of us decided to go out, hang out socially, and watch the Flyers game.  OBVIOUSLY Crossfit was a hot topic last night with all the build up to the Regionals and I suddenly felt overwhelmed with inspiration.

I almost wanted to call trainer Molly and ask her what I needed to do to make Regionals in 2014 or 2015, but part of me already knew the answer. 

I'd have to increase my strength and endurance and be strict with my diet.  I know the road to success, it's just finding the drive to do so, which is such a hit or miss with me. 

As an AVERAGE person doing Crossfit I have to hold my head up high and be happy with what I've done thus far.  I know that I really dug deep and fully committed, I could become an above average Crossfitter.  I think that 2011 - 2012 was my "learning year" and even though I will be set back a little now that I'm WOD'ing for two, that doesn't mean it will stop me from any types of goals or achievments I have for 2013. 

My Mental Health

Let's face it, before I knew that Dennis and I were expecting a little bundle of joy, I already felt overwhelmed by life.  

It had taken me over a year to learn how to balance work, Crossfit, Running, eating right, and that little thing called a social life, all while keeping up with my weekly errands and maintaining a decently clean house.  I think that I've blogged many a times about how I've struggled with one or some of these challenges, but after a while I sorta got the hang of it (even if the level of difficultness stayed the same). 

So now I'm in complete panic mode because as I mentioned before, my energy level has plummeted.  What has that done to my mental health?

1.  I couldn't push as hard as I wanted to during the Crossfit Opens.  I mean, I probably could have pushed harder than I did, but I was scared that I was unknowingly hurting Baby O.  I'm not saying that it preventing me from qualifying, but I know that I did the opens at about 70% - 80%.  It was a little disappointing, but I was being a good mom (already) and the 2012 Crossfit Opens are NOT going to be the last ones I'm going to participate in.  

2.  So if you do the math I was pregnant while on vacation and what happened on vacation?  My diet went to hell.  I didn't go CRAZY but I ate what I wanted and didn't think twice about the nutritional value.  I don't think I've fully recovered from this.  Between falling off the wagon on vacation and being pregnant, I've been wrongfully justifying every "bad (but delicious) food choice" I've been making.  My vacation was back in March and I just need to get back to healthy eating.  So between being pregnant and eating like crap, guess what is growing?  My belly.  And how does this make me feel?  Like Crap!  Ok so I know SOME is from baby, but I have to wonder (and trust me I do this every morning) how much is baby and how much is from my bad eating.  Mentally, this is really hard.  

3.  My running.  Before receiving that life changing reading on the pregnancy test, I was on track to run my first half marathon EVER!  The reason I wanted to complete the half was that A. I hated running, and B. I had previously signed up for 2 half marathons and blew both of them off.  Not this time.  I trained so freaking hard as you saw on my Digital Mustard Facebook page.  I would so proudly post all my run times and even though it was cold or raining, I would get my miles in.  I started with a 5k and on on March 3rd I ran a 10 mile race and PR'ed by 21 minutes.  TWENTY ONE MINUTES!  I was 8 weeks and 2.1 miles away from doing a half.  March 4th I found out I was pregnant and running started to become very hard.  I would get a cramp a few miles into my runs and when my energy levels practically prevented me from getting out of bed, running was out of the question.  So guess what.  No half marathon for me.  I was devastated.  I was so close.  But it's not the end, you better believe that I will be completing my first half POST baby in 2013 or 2014.  

Now please don't for one second think that I'm not extatic that Dennis and I are having our first child, but just know that it hasn't been the easiest transition for me.  People at 610 are so wonderful, they see me at class and make me feel like a hero for just showing up, while I feel like I'm not doing enough.  

I have to get used to the idea that I'm no longer Crossfitting to lose weight or to increase my strength, I'm simply going to keep up my endurance and maintain the strength, form, and motions that I've learned.  This will for sure help me during delivery (Have Baby for Time WOD) and it will 100% help me with my recovery and getting me back at it post baby.  

Soooooooooooo in conclusion....I feel a bit better after blogging about these feelings that I've had over the last 12 weeks.  I know that it's going to be hard to get used to the changes my body is going through but I have to embrance it.